Want to be a horror fan? Well, as you may already know, the watching of horror movies is nothing to be taken lightly. It is not for the faint of heart – or the weak of bladder. In fact, it should be left to those who are either extremely brave, or extremely stupid. Nonetheless, with time and practice you can begin to hone in on what it takes to be a horror movie fan, and survive this deadly, yet fulfilling new habit.
Before the Movie
1. Go door to door and window to window in your house, apartment or padded cell and make sure everything is shut and locked, especially if you’re watching a home invasion horror. If you don’t adhere to this first rule, a masked band of torturers will surely gain entry and stab your face off.
2. Is your landline off the hook? If so, someone might have cut the line already, and in that case, you’re dead meat. Do you have a dial tone? You might want to consider cutting the line yourself then. Otherwise, someone might start making frightening calls to you from inside the house and then, you’re dead meat.
3. Create a safety fort consisting of lots of pillows, a blanket – which is bullet, stab, strangle and evil ghost proof – and some kind of self-defense mechanism, like hairspray or a vase that shatters with impossible ease.
4. Always go to the bathroom before you start a horror movie. If you wait, you’ll not only be attacked in the dark hallway that leads to the toilet but something will surely jump out at the screen and make you wet your safety fort.
5. Skip the movie snacks. They only lead to green projectile vomiting or the accidental consumption of bugs or maggots. For obvious reasons, you want to avoid wine as well.
During The Movie
1. Some viewers like to hold on to a pillow to shield their eyes from any heart attack inducing gore or jump scares. This is wise, but a sack over the head is much more effective. With a quick turn of the head your vision will be completely obscured and your risk of heart failure, or of pissing all over your safety fort, will be extremely reduced.
2. Are you watching an alien-themed horror movie? An extra step in protective headgear might need to be taken. Unless you like being kidnapped and probed.
3. By now you should have your mobile phone ready and 9-1-1 on speed dial. You’d be surprised how easy it is to forget the number for 9-1-1 emergency response when you’re busy screaming bloody murder, being hacked to pieces and probably peeing all over your safety fort. As a matter of fact, you should just dial 9 and then 1 at the beginning of the movie and hope for the best.
4. On second thought, with modern technology and mobile devices, someone with murderous intentions might be able to track you, if you leave your cell phone on… And if that doesn’t happen then evil is bound to come calling… Just turn it off and hope for the best.
5. Are you watching this alone?? I should have mentioned in the Before the Movie section that you need to watch with a friend. Are you watching at nighttime??? I’m really sorry about this. Goodbye.
After the Movie
1. If you’ve made it this far, it’s time to just go to bed and pray for dawn. Your only guarantee of having survived this ordeal is seeing daylight, so you can sit up all night with your hairspray and your vase or you can hide under your blanket and try to sleep.
2. Unless of course you just watched A Nightmare on Elm Street. In that case, STAY AWAKE.
3. Repeat all of these steps. As often as possible.