How to Watch a Horror Movie

Watching-The-Ring-Video

 

Want to be a horror fan? Well, as you may already know, the watching of horror movies is nothing to be taken lightly. It is not for the faint of heart – or the weak of bladder. In fact, it should be left to those who are either extremely brave, or extremely stupid. Nonetheless, with time and practice you can begin to hone in on what it takes to be a horror movie fan, and survive this deadly, yet fulfilling new habit.
 

Before the Movie

 
1. Go door to door and window to window in your house, apartment or padded cell and make sure everything is shut and locked, especially if you’re watching a home invasion horror. If you don’t adhere to this first rule, a masked band of torturers will surely gain entry and stab your face off.

The-Strangers

 

2. Is your landline off the hook? If so, someone might have cut the line already, and in that case, you’re dead meat. Do you have a dial tone? You might want to consider cutting the line yourself then. Otherwise, someone might start making frightening calls to you from inside the house and then, you’re dead meat.

When-A-Stranger-Calls

 

3. Create a safety fort consisting of lots of pillows, a blanket – which is bullet, stab, strangle and evil ghost proof – and some kind of self-defense mechanism, like hairspray or a vase that shatters with impossible ease.

Halloween

 

4. Always go to the bathroom before you start a horror movie. If you wait, you’ll not only be attacked in the dark hallway that leads to the toilet but something will surely jump out at the screen and make you wet your safety fort.

The-Orphange

 

5. Skip the movie snacks. They only lead to green projectile vomiting or the accidental consumption of bugs or maggots. For obvious reasons, you want to avoid wine as well.

The-Lost-Boys

 

During The Movie

 
1. Some viewers like to hold on to a pillow to shield their eyes from any heart attack inducing gore or jump scares. This is wise, but a sack over the head is much more effective. With a quick turn of the head your vision will be completely obscured and your risk of heart failure, or of pissing all over your safety fort, will be extremely reduced.

Jason-Sack-Mask

 

2. Are you watching an alien-themed horror movie? An extra step in protective headgear might need to be taken. Unless you like being kidnapped and probed.

Signs

 

3. By now you should have your mobile phone ready and 9-1-1 on speed dial. You’d be surprised how easy it is to forget the number for 9-1-1 emergency response when you’re busy screaming bloody murder, being hacked to pieces and probably peeing all over your safety fort. As a matter of fact, you should just dial 9 and then 1 at the beginning of the movie and hope for the best.

Scream

 

4. On second thought, with modern technology and mobile devices, someone with murderous intentions might be able to track you, if you leave your cell phone on… And if that doesn’t happen then evil is bound to come calling… Just turn it off and hope for the best.

One-Missed-Call

 

5. Are you watching this alone?? I should have mentioned in the Before the Movie section that you need to watch with a friend. Are you watching at nighttime??? I’m really sorry about this. Goodbye.

Lights-Out

 

After the Movie

 
1. If you’ve made it this far, it’s time to just go to bed and pray for dawn. Your only guarantee of having survived this ordeal is seeing daylight, so you can sit up all night with your hairspray and your vase or you can hide under your blanket and try to sleep.

The-Grudge

 

2. Unless of course you just watched A Nightmare on Elm Street. In that case, STAY AWAKE.

A-Nightmare-on-Elm-Street

 

3. Repeat all of these steps. As often as possible.

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10 Horror Movie Sequels That Were Better Than the Originals

It’s been universally agreed upon that sequels are rarely ever as good as the movies they follow. Watching them is much like reading a book and then viewing its film adaptation. You know it’s not going to be quite as satisfactory, but you enjoyed the original so much you give it a shot even though you aren’t expecting to be thrilled. It’s, at its worst, just a bonus to the original masterpiece that you cherish and because of that fact, you’ll probably even see it more than once. This is how sequels work – and also why production companies continue to find success in crudely turning them out. In short, they frequently suck, but we still love them. The same cannot be said, however, about the 10 sequels on this list.

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The Best and Worst of 2015′s Horror Films

2015-Horror-Movies-Terror-Trove

As if there was anything else I would write about on the cusp of the new year… Here is a list of the horror films that soared and sank (and stank) in 2015. Complete with some honorable mentions at the end, this is the only list you’ll need to concern yourself with as the year comes to an imperceptible end. It doesn’t think. It doesn’t feel. It doesn’t give up. It goes as follows.

 

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Everything You Want to Know About KRAMPUS

Krampus

 

If you’re eager to hit the theaters and see the upcoming horror comedy, Krampus, serve up some merrymade mayhem this week, you’re not alone. Adam Scott, Toni Collette and David Koechner drive a cast that could attract just about anyone, but it’s the main title character who will have horror, folklore and even Christmas movie fans alike clamoring for a ticket to the show. With the release of Michael Dougherty’s Krampus just days away, it’s time to get educated on this ancient mythical creature before the week is out.

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The 13 Greatest Female Monsters in Film

trick-r-treat_Anna_Paquin_werewolf

It’s Friday the 13th again! If you’re not thinking about watching a Jason Voorhees flick, checking out a never before seen horror or at least jumping out from the bushes at some poor, unsuspecting passersby wearing a hockey mask, then maybe I can help get you in the spirit. I’m listing the 13 greatest female supes (that’s supernaturals in case you never watched Trueblood) and monsters in film. Enjoy!

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The Bazaar of Bad Dreams Arrives Today!

 

The-Bazaar-of-Bad-Dreams

 

Now that Halloween has come and gone, it seems like we’re all in need of a little cheering up. While begrudgingly deleting the Halloween Countdown from my sidebar this weekend, even I felt the a slight pang of dread washing over me, knowing that my beloved Halloween season was over and the inevitable holly jolly BS that’s associated with that other holiday was ahead. (Thank god for Krampus, right?) November 2nd was a sad sad day indeed. At least The Day of the Dead on the 1st softened the blow – especially coming on a lazy Sunday. There was still plenty of horror on the tube for us to watch while vedging out and eating greasy delivery in order to nurse our All Hallows Hangovers. Now, however, is a completely different and dispiriting story. If only we had something else to look forward to…

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Group Horror Review: Tales of Halloween, We Are What We Are and Crimson Peak


Tales-of Halloween
Tales of Halloween

Viewed: Kodi

Synopsis: 10 stories of ghosts, goblins, monsters and more all unfold on Halloween night in an otherwise peaceful suburban town. There’s the fiendish, candy-obsessed spirit called Sweet Tooth, a child named Billy who is framed for raising some serious hell by the devil, a group of seemingly innocent adults who pay the ultimate price for their secret evil, more sweet revenge played out upon 3 extremely wicked bullies, a sinister ghost who wants your eyes, a man who discovers he’s married to a child hungry witch, a bloody competition over the best Halloween decoration display, a deformed serial killer who’s no match for a pint-sized alien who just wants a treat, two ill-fated kidnappers who get way more than they ever bargained for and, finally, a genetically engineered man-eating pumpkin who is just one of many.

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